When I was 17 in the late 1980s, I fell in love with a boy from work. He was 19 and from another country and when our work time was over, he had to fly home. What followed were many love letters (international phone calls were far too expensive then), every one of which I saw as fiercely romantic.
One day about six months into the relationship, a letter was waiting for me at home. My long-distance boyfriend often addressed letters with silly names or in-jokes. This time, he addressed the letter to “Mrs. [his last name].” My mother got very serious. She told me that this was possessive and too serious for our age, and that I had to write him a letter to break up with him immediately. I did, but I was still in love. Secretly, I kept writing the letters. I thought being “Mrs.” was romantic, and my mom was overreacting.
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At age 21, after five years of separation by an ocean, I started an in-person relationship with him. It was deep and real love—or so I thought. By 24, I was being so emotionally abused and physically threatened, I barely knew my own name. This is how it happens. I was frozen and couldn’t seem to reconcile the dichotomy of my own life. I was deeply in love but was very confused by these behaviors because he would tell me how much he loved me while he was doing them. I was smart and educated. I knew about domestic violence, and I knew what he was doing was wrong, but no one had told me how to actually handle it—the frozenness, the confusion, and the gaslighting. Mostly, what I’d learned from a society that blames women for staying is that, if I stayed or still loved him, the abuse was my own fault.
Intimate partner violence is the number one cause of serious injury or death of women ages 18 to 24 in America, according to a 2018 statement released by the American College of Surgeons, and homicide is the leading cause of death for pregnant women in the U.S. If it’s shocking to you to hear that, then it’s time to pay attention. This trend also applies to adolescent girls, who are being murdered by their intimate partners in increasingly dangerous numbers. A study from 2019 looked at homicide rates for teens and 7% were murdered by their partner, whether current or former.
Adolescence is a critical developmental time when young people are more vulnerable to societal pressures. A rise in misogyny (such as the recent explosion of “your body, my choice” as a slogan boys and men say), a marked increase in forced and violent sex for girls, and a culture that views rape prevention as a girls’ issue versus a boys’ issue is setting the stage for the already-large teen mental health epidemic to worsen.
Teen dating violence (TDV) is a type of intimate partner violence (IPV) that includes behaviors such as “physical violence, sexual violence and coercion, psychological aggression, and stalking” and is associated with an increased risk for further intimate partner violence, depression and anxiety, mental and physical illness, substance use, and suicidal ideation. In 2025, at least 1 in 3 girls in the U.S. have experienced teen dating violence according to the organization Love Is Respect, and it’s affecting them at dangerously high levels.
Intimate partner violence can happen to anyone of any gender or background, though it affects women and other marginalized groups most often, and the “associations between TDV and negative outcomes were reported more frequently among females compared with males.” Sadly, that imbalance applies to the homicide rate for TDV as well. Ninety percent of adolescents murdered by a partner are girls.
Teen issues are often overlooked as unimportant phases, and yet, teens absorb our nation’s toughest ignored issues. They are the most at risk of gun violence, which is the leading cause of death for youth in America, and they are experiencing trauma at elevated rates. Adding intimate partner violence to a teen’s already-crowded stressor column can greatly affect their future well-being and especially their future relationships.
Read More: Teen Dating Violence Harms Both Genders, Government Report Shows
American teen girls on a whole have recently seen an unprecedented rise in depression and anxiety. In February 2023, the CDC found that 1 in 5 girls reported experiencing sexual violence in the last year and 1 in 10 had been forced to have sex—which showed an increase of 20% and 27% respectively since 2017 when monitoring first began. Add to this that a shocking 1 in 3 girls reported seriously considering suicide, and it’s time we asked ourselves: when are we going to start taking action?
As a society, we can help young people prepare for and learn about adolescent intimate partner violence in several ways. The first is taking teens and teen relationships seriously. We are quick to roll our eyes and consider teen love unreal or silly. It’s not. It is, instead, our opportunity to make sure our kids have healthy relationship ideals. The second is teaching children about consent and what healthy relationships look like. Point it out when you see it. Make it a regular conversation. The third is when intimate partner violence comes up in the news, try not to join the blame-game chorus. That’s the same chorus that keeps survivors afraid of how they will be perceived when they leave. Instead of asking questions like “Why didn’t she leave?,” it’s imperative to start asking, “Why did he abuse his family?” Asking “Why didn’t she leave?” or “Why did she go back?” teaches young people within earshot, including future survivors, to think abuse is the survivor’s fault and makes them more reticent to leave a harmful relationship.
Lastly, we must start to take abusive behavior seriously and talk about it. Don’t just stop at the “break up with him this instant” part. Expand to explain why and talk openly about red flags and what abuse really looks like. Educate yourself. Know that abusers don’t usually start to abuse until they have their target trapped in isolation, marriage, or parenthood, and in most cases, being trapped is a matter of bad luck, and not bad judgment. The more we talk about it, the more we can break the silence and encourage survivors of abuse to exit, find safety, and tell their stories.
For me, telling my story and helping teen survivors tell their stories has been the best way to heal and move on from something that affected my life and my self-worth when I was so young. My hope is that we can grow to understand intimate partner violence beyond the stigma and improve the lives of survivors by being adults they can trust when they are in their most challenging moments.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline via text or call at 1-800-799-7233.
