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Narcissistic personality disorder is relatively rare, affecting just 1-2% of Americans by some estimates. But having some form of a relationship with someone who has narcissism is not uncommon. The disorder—characterized by arrogance, grandiosity, a lack of empathy, exploitativeness, aggression, and a constant need for affirmation and admiration—also has a more alluring side. “We’re attracted to narcissists at first,” says Amy Brunell, professor of psychology at Ohio State University and a prolific researcher of narcissism. “They’re charming, they’re fun, they’re energetic, and then over time, the negative qualities come out more and more.”
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Brunell wrote a recent scientific article on how to understand narcissism and cope when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. Here’s what she says you should know about how to navigate those relationships.
How can narcissism present?
As Brunell describes it, narcissists are “self-centered, they’re entitled, and very often they think the world should revolve around them.” But they don’t all present the same way.
A large body of work going back decades divides narcissism into three types: agentic narcissism, communal narcissism, and vulnerable narcissism. Of the three, agentic narcissism is the most recognizable—and toxic. Agentic narcissists hold exalted views of themselves, seeing their competence and intelligence as far greater than that of others, Brunell explains. In an effort to maintain that self-image, they will often derogate the talents and temperaments of friends, colleagues, and family members. They are more invested in status and admiration than they are in intimacy. They self-promote tirelessly, harbor grandiose fantasies of their prospects and projects, and often engage in rivalries with people—especially work colleagues—who threaten their sense of primacy.
“Ask these narcissists about themselves [and] they say, ‘Oh yeah, I’m so pro-social and so great,’” says Brunell. “But if you ask their peers about them, they actually see them as being kind of aggressive.”
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Communal narcissists seek out admiration by being exceedingly—often excessively—caring and helpful, sometimes offering assistance when it’s neither needed nor requested. That kind of other-directedness seems inconsistent with the me-first impulses of narcissism; however, the behavior does not come from a place of genuine altruism, but instead from a need to be loved and admired, Brunell says.
“Communal narcissists are self-enhancing,” she says. “They think they’re the most helpful person—that no one can do as much good as they do.”
The vulnerable narcissist is the most fragile type. Vulnerable narcissists have none of the overweening self-regard that is the province of the agentic or communal narcissist, Brunell explains; instead, they overcompensate for a deep sense of low self-esteem. Often, they can be socially inhibited, defensive, anxious, and depressed—a painful suite of feelings that they try to battle with egotism, arrogance, defensiveness, and self-centeredness.
“Vulnerable narcissists feel bad about themselves,” says Brunell. “They are chronically mad that they’re not getting what they think is due them, so they tend to be more hostile. For a while, I struggled with understanding why vulnerable narcissists are narcissists at all, except they share the core feature of self-centeredness.”
What causes narcissism?
The roots of narcissism are as varied as the types. Some research, including a 2014 study of twins in China, suggests that genetics may play a role, with both grandiosity and entitlement seeming to be shared more by the twins than by other siblings. Other studies comparing adopted children to biological children point to heritability too, with the biological children exhibiting more of the behavior of their narcissistic parents than adopted children.
But the research in this area is not robust. “There is some evidence that narcissism is genetic, though it’s small,” says Brunell. This type of research is also cloudy: “Within families, you’re looking at shared genes, but you’re also looking at behaviors that are learned from generation to generation.” In general, most researchers in the narcissism field lean toward the “nurture” rather than the “nature” school. “It’s pretty easy to answer from the perspective of grandiose narcissism that parents kind of create these little narcissists,” Brunell says.
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Too much parental praise, Brunell writes in her new paper, can cause the child to “develop an inflated sense of self as ‘special’ that can only be maintained through continual admiration by others.” The same parenting trait can also give rise to communal narcissism, with exalted children growing up to believe that they are uniquely qualified to serve and save the world.
Vulnerable narcissists are created in the opposite way: by parents who dismiss, ignore, or demean. These kinds of starvation rations of parental approval lead the child to look elsewhere for emotional nourishment.
“With vulnerable narcissism,” says Brunell, “a lot of times children are criticized harshly, and they start to experience that anger and that rage at not being seen.”
Can narcissists change?
Narcissism is not typically like other emotional or psychological conditions. The person with a phobia does not want to be terrified of spiders. The person with depression does not want to be so sad. Many narcissists, on the other hand, are sold on the idea of their own uniqueness and often do not want to change, Brunell says—even if they know that their behavior is working against them.
“There’s a body of research that suggests that narcissists know that other people find them annoying,” Brunell says. “They know that their reputations aren’t great. But they don’t put that awareness to work and change. They still think it’s the other person’s fault. They think that you’re jealous, that you don’t see how great they are.”
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Still, Brunell points out that people with narcissism generally disapprove of narcissistic traits in others—evidence that they are not incapable of recognizing the downsides of the behavior.
There’s some research that finds narcissism can improve. One 2014 study showed that when people who exhibit agentic narcissism were asked to make and endorse such communal statements as “I am a caring person,” they reported behaving less narcissistically in real-world situations afterwards, though the effect was temporary. The same study showed similar improvement when narcissists were asked to recall a time when they showed concern, love, and acceptance for another person. “The thing is to get them to talk or think more in terms of ‘we,’” says Brunell.
How to cope with narcissism in relationships
When dealing with a narcissistic parent or partner, it can help to be direct about the changes you’d like to see the person make, Brunell says, but to stress that you’re making that request because that person is important to you.
“For a child, if you get a parent angry, they can take away all of your resources,” says Brunell. “I would suggest that rather than necessarily confronting the parent, they can approach them in a way where they say, ‘Mom, I really care about our relationship and making you happy,’ and then try to assert yourself.”
In a romantic relationship, it helps to set up clear boundaries for behaviors that will and won’t be tolerated, but those conversations can often end in grief. “Narcissists tend to be highly reactive and tend to play the victim, so they don’t necessarily handle critical feedback well,” Brunell says. “Still, if you couch it in a way that you care about the other person, you can maybe temper the blow a little bit.”
Things are trickier with a narcissistic boss, because, like a parent, that person may have the ability to deny you something important—in this case, your job. Here Brunell recommends being mindful of what your goals are in any encounter with a narcissistic boss—what you’re trying to get out of a meeting, say—and not getting distracted or rattled by bad behavior.
“Have an agenda for every meeting,” she says. “Know what you need from it, and then set expectations for what you’re going to get and what you’re not going to get.”
When to say goodbye
Often, the healthiest way to handle a relationship with a narcissist is to leave it, Brunell says. When it comes to a romantic relationship, anything that makes a person feel unsafe—any suggestion at all of violence—requires leaving. Those relationships must end. Short of that, things often depend on how much of an effort the partner without narcissism wants to continue to put in.
“If you’ve tried everything there is to try and you’re not getting your needs met, if you’re chronically feeling torn down and not seen, if you’ve tried therapy, if you’ve tried working with your partner, then it may be time to end the relationship,” Brunell says. The stakes aren’t as high in a friendship with a narcissistic, but the same guidelines apply.
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Then there is the dilemma that can arise when you have a good job with a bad boss—doing work you love for a manager you loathe. In this case, Brunell recommends assessing whether it’s possible to do the same kind of work elsewhere—possibilities you can explore on your own while continuing to work at your present job—and then grab the opportunity if one presents itself.
When people free themselves of these toxic dynamics, they still have some work ahead of them. It’s important, for one thing, not to let someone creep back into your life who you want out. “If the narcissist calls you and you don’t want to take the call, that can be your boundary,” Brunell says. “I think feeling a little bit more empowered to make those decisions for yourself can be really important.”
Both during the relationship and after it ends, it’s also important to seek out the validation and emotional support you probably haven’t been getting. Friends, teachers, and mentors can all provide these kinds of resources. The point is to remember your own agency. “Sometimes,” says Brunell, “we feel stuck in situations that we’re not actually stuck in. It just feels that way.”
